The gift of love

It caught me off guard when he wheeled his chair up to my desk. Honestly, I am not used to having him come up to the desk. Last year, he would just raise his hand if he needed something. This year the bilingual kids were not rotating with the other classes so had his teacher not been out sick, he wouldn’t have even been in our class. But you do what you have to do and we split her class that day…thus this angel ended up in my class.

Generally he doesn’t say much in class, preferring to ride under the radar and not be called on or asked to read. That is fine and I can deal with those choices. So for him to actually come to me – wasn’t his normal routine. Sad as it is, my first comment was “What is wrong?” thinking something had happened. With over 30 kids in class, to me that was an understandable expectation.

I then noticed, he was removing a rough homemade cross necklace, which had been given to him by a fellow classmate. At least my mouth stayed shut this time, thank goodness. His next comment is what completely caught me off guard.

“I want to give you my cross, Mrs. Rex.”

If there ever was a time in my life I wish I could reverse and do over, those next seconds certainly are at the top. Rather than lovingly saying “Thank you so much”, I hear coming out of my clumsy mouth – “ But why give me your cross? I know it is really important to you.”

There before me, this young soul immediately washes his face with his tears. I never knew someone so small could cry so much in such a short time. True to form, my tears were not far behind. As I fumble through the disaster of my desk looking for a tissue, of course other students began to gather around, wondering what has brought on so much emotion so fast.

While wiping his face I hear this small voice explain, “Because you are my favorite teacher I have ever had, Mrs. Rex.” Never in my life have I ever felt so unworthy. Rather than just graciously saying thanks, my words have forced this young man to reach those emotions he so often wants to avoid and explain his actions. Why did I make him feel like he had to explain anything?

The words “honored” and “thankful” came out somewhere as I stumbled for words through the tears and emotions without really feeling I had adequately expressed to him how moved I was by his actions. Did he not know it was me who forgot to order the special school bus for him when we took our last field trip? Did he not realize how upset several other teachers were with me because I always acted like I was dancing with him, as he rolled down the hallway? Would he feel different when he found out how many adults I upset when I tried to play Frisbee with him on the playground?

Most of all, had he been told how much I have been questioning whether I need to be a teacher or not? Is this really my calling or just a dream that should have never happened? Am I really cut out to deal with the stress of administration problems, unsupportive parents and students who have no desires or aspirations? Is it really my calling to show them life “outside the box”?

I put on his cross and wore it with pride for several days. It now hangs with my other jewelry. Every morning I look at it and still wonder if I am hearing the true meaning of that precious gift. Was it just a simple act of love from a student or did the message come from someone else?

Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a mother and a teacher. Both gifts came to me much later in life. In fact I didn’t become a parent until I was 36 and didn’t start teaching until I was 46 years old. Maybe that is why each title is so precious to me. Is it my unreachable expectations that are causing myself to doubt my teaching abilities? Am I just not cut out to deal with life as a modern teacher? Not being in control of everything is so tough, especially when I think these souls deserve more than someone who thinks a 9-month obligation is all they should offer to a child. Am I trying to live up to other's expectations rather than being true to myself? Is the amount of stress just more than I am capable of physically dealing with on a daily basis? Why can’t I just leave things at school? Other teachers seem to leave at the last bell and never give school a second thought. Why can’t I do that?

Teaching science is nothing but sharing a love of life for me. I know my love of science is contagious and my kids feel that as well. My love for my kids is honest and sincere, nothing more – nothing less. They deserve the best available rather than someone who blubbers and asks “Why?” when they offer a gift of the heart. In the future, I want them to be the best they can - no matter what it is. I want to help them be the best worker; the most loving mother; the most supportive father; the most caring doctor or anything else their heart desires. With pride and confidence, I want them to know they can achieve anything their heart desires as long as they do the best they can.

Who do they really know?

Recently I have thoroughly enjoyed seeing the names of so many friends from my past on Facebook. The happy memories these names have brought to mind certainly have made the days much brighter. With those memories came certain expectations, which I have realized, are unfair expectations.

These are people who have known me for decades, some actually since first grade. Shouldn't these people know me better than anyone else? Goodness knows, they have known me "longer" than any others! Then I realized, nope not at all. With the years of separation also came years of change, personality growth and life events that have changed, developed each of us.

Unless we have shared those changes through the years, how would we actually know each other? Our point of reference actually is our childhood, teen years, times when we had little control over our lives because we were under our parent's domain. How can that show us who we actually are now? What do we believe? What do we truly feel? How will we react to comments or thoughts shared by others?

Please don't misunderstand. Some of the best memories of my life have been with the names I seek on Facebook now. They are the ones I marched in the cold with; handed cinnamon Life Savers to; ran against as Art Club President; admired from afar; traveled to Denver City for youth rallies. These names truly helped forge the foundation of who I am now. I still wonder do they truly know the person I have become? How well do I know them as an established adult? What do I know about their "day to day" life or do I know anything?

Why is it, after all these years, we are seeking each other? The memories have certainly brought a smile, a sense of comfort, the feeling of belonging to something special - we all understand - because we lived it! Are we reaching for something we almost lost while "growing up"? Are we holding on to that sense of youthfulness that comes with stories of our teenage escapades? Who else is thankful for the extra years of life, considering some of the choices we made as teenagers?

Hopefully, with current technology, we can regain some of that "day to day" contact. Friendships will be refreshed while we gain an understanding of where life has taken each of us. How fortunate we are to have this wonderful resource to help us on our journey back to those special times and past relationships!