The gift of love

It caught me off guard when he wheeled his chair up to my desk. Honestly, I am not used to having him come up to the desk. Last year, he would just raise his hand if he needed something. This year the bilingual kids were not rotating with the other classes so had his teacher not been out sick, he wouldn’t have even been in our class. But you do what you have to do and we split her class that day…thus this angel ended up in my class.

Generally he doesn’t say much in class, preferring to ride under the radar and not be called on or asked to read. That is fine and I can deal with those choices. So for him to actually come to me – wasn’t his normal routine. Sad as it is, my first comment was “What is wrong?” thinking something had happened. With over 30 kids in class, to me that was an understandable expectation.

I then noticed, he was removing a rough homemade cross necklace, which had been given to him by a fellow classmate. At least my mouth stayed shut this time, thank goodness. His next comment is what completely caught me off guard.

“I want to give you my cross, Mrs. Rex.”

If there ever was a time in my life I wish I could reverse and do over, those next seconds certainly are at the top. Rather than lovingly saying “Thank you so much”, I hear coming out of my clumsy mouth – “ But why give me your cross? I know it is really important to you.”

There before me, this young soul immediately washes his face with his tears. I never knew someone so small could cry so much in such a short time. True to form, my tears were not far behind. As I fumble through the disaster of my desk looking for a tissue, of course other students began to gather around, wondering what has brought on so much emotion so fast.

While wiping his face I hear this small voice explain, “Because you are my favorite teacher I have ever had, Mrs. Rex.” Never in my life have I ever felt so unworthy. Rather than just graciously saying thanks, my words have forced this young man to reach those emotions he so often wants to avoid and explain his actions. Why did I make him feel like he had to explain anything?

The words “honored” and “thankful” came out somewhere as I stumbled for words through the tears and emotions without really feeling I had adequately expressed to him how moved I was by his actions. Did he not know it was me who forgot to order the special school bus for him when we took our last field trip? Did he not realize how upset several other teachers were with me because I always acted like I was dancing with him, as he rolled down the hallway? Would he feel different when he found out how many adults I upset when I tried to play Frisbee with him on the playground?

Most of all, had he been told how much I have been questioning whether I need to be a teacher or not? Is this really my calling or just a dream that should have never happened? Am I really cut out to deal with the stress of administration problems, unsupportive parents and students who have no desires or aspirations? Is it really my calling to show them life “outside the box”?

I put on his cross and wore it with pride for several days. It now hangs with my other jewelry. Every morning I look at it and still wonder if I am hearing the true meaning of that precious gift. Was it just a simple act of love from a student or did the message come from someone else?

Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a mother and a teacher. Both gifts came to me much later in life. In fact I didn’t become a parent until I was 36 and didn’t start teaching until I was 46 years old. Maybe that is why each title is so precious to me. Is it my unreachable expectations that are causing myself to doubt my teaching abilities? Am I just not cut out to deal with life as a modern teacher? Not being in control of everything is so tough, especially when I think these souls deserve more than someone who thinks a 9-month obligation is all they should offer to a child. Am I trying to live up to other's expectations rather than being true to myself? Is the amount of stress just more than I am capable of physically dealing with on a daily basis? Why can’t I just leave things at school? Other teachers seem to leave at the last bell and never give school a second thought. Why can’t I do that?

Teaching science is nothing but sharing a love of life for me. I know my love of science is contagious and my kids feel that as well. My love for my kids is honest and sincere, nothing more – nothing less. They deserve the best available rather than someone who blubbers and asks “Why?” when they offer a gift of the heart. In the future, I want them to be the best they can - no matter what it is. I want to help them be the best worker; the most loving mother; the most supportive father; the most caring doctor or anything else their heart desires. With pride and confidence, I want them to know they can achieve anything their heart desires as long as they do the best they can.